by Nyles Pinckney, Men’s Healing Coordinator, Support After Abortion
When people talk about abortion, the focus is usually and understandably centered on women. But there’s another story that may fly under the radar or go unspoken: what men carry and how that experience shapes them as fathers.
For many men, abortion doesn’t stay in the past. Whether they were part of the decision, wanted or didn’t want it, or didn’t know until afterwards, abortion experiences can show up later in how they parent, how they love, and how they even see themselves. And I can attest to that.
One of the patterns I’ve heard of—and experienced personally, is becoming more protective and aware as a father, sometimes to the point of hovering. On the surface, it looked like deep care and attentiveness. Which it was. But underneath, it was driven by something heavier: my guilt and grief.
I remember moments with my son where I felt anxious or overbearing to the point where I had to pause and ask myself, “Why am I reacting this way?” At a trampoline park once when he was little, he was playing dodgeball. Nothing was particularly wrong, he was having fun, but I felt this urge to step in when I saw kids a bit older jump into the area. To protect him from something that wasn’t even happening. Those kids didn't have any malice or ill will, but I had the urge to jump into action anyway. That’s when I realized I wasn’t just responding to the moment. I was responding to something deeper.
That’s the tension many other men may live with. We love the children we have deeply, but sometimes that love is mixed with a quiet belief: “I have to make up for something.”
This can also show up mentally. In my experience, men can carry an internal pressure to “get everything right” moving forward and may take a perfectionist approach. It becomes a loop: Don’t mess up again. Be better. Be perfect. Over time, that pressure can affect not just how a man parents, but how he relates to his partner. Sometimes we come off as critical or controlling without realizing why.
Emotionally, men often carry this differently. The grief is there, but it doesn’t always come out as sadness. It can show up as frustration, anger, or silence. Those emotions are often more comfortable for men because, from my experience, that’s what we’ve seen and picked up from other men. This can make it seem like men don’t feel deeply, when really a lot of guys just haven’t been given the space or taught the language to express it.
That’s why something as simple as acknowledgment matters. Many men aren’t looking for attention, they just want to be seen and heard. A question like, “How are you doing?” can open a door they didn’t know how to open themselves.
Fear can also linger in the back of our minds. Fear of repeating the past. Fear of future relationships. Fear of whether we’ll handle things differently if faced with that situation again. These are things many men wrestle with internally but rarely say out loud.
The good news is that healing changes things.
When a man begins to process his abortion experience in a healthy way, he becomes more open. He communicates more freely—and not just about the past, but about everyday life. He begins to move away from hovering over his children to actually enjoying them. From controlling outcomes to building connections.
And that shift may not just affect him but benefit the whole family.
If there’s one message I could offer for men in this space, it’s to be gentle with yourself. You don’t have to live defined by guilt or grief. You can be a present, loving father—not out of fear or compensation, but from a genuine place.
And for those supporting men, remember: you don’t need the perfect words. Sometimes the most powerful thing you can offer is your presence, even in silence. Just sitting with him, letting him process, can mean more than trying to fix anything.
Because when men are given space to heal, they become better individually, and they become more present fathers, healthier partners, and stronger foundations for their families.
Nyles Pinckney serves as Men’s Healing Coordinator for Support After Abortion. As a former college athlete, he understands the pressure many men feel to push through pain and keep struggles hidden. He brings that insight to his work supporting individuals impacted by abortion and equipping providers to care well for both women and men.
